ESSO (place/space)
Every time I see the cashier I want to be going through something. Over the summer it was a break up. Over the summer it’s always a break up. If I’m depressed I spend 20 dollars. Two bottles of Mountain Dew. Barbecue Lays Chips. Sour Cream and Onion Ruffles Chips. Both family sized packs. Life Saver Gummies. Peanut butter M&Ms. When it’s really bad a carton of Ben & Jerry’s. If I’m not depressed I order Domino’s cheesy bread to my house. Or McDonald’s. Or A&W. When I’m feeling fancy Popeyes. Cooking is never an option unless the groceries are free and come in a box from Ryanne Kap. If I’m in need of attention I buy two bottles of Mountain Dew down one bottle and take four days to drink the other one. Sometimes when the cashier asks me how I am I overthink the tone I used to tell him I’m fine. If I sound too harsh I keep the conversation going until I sound softer. If I sound just right I’m out the door in thirty seconds. I’m mad I wear a mask because my smile hides all of my disinterest. My cheeks are so fat I’m perpetually sweet. Cheekbones made of cotton candy. When I want to be a girl I’m the kind of girl a director kills for no reason in movies. The girl who didn’t love them in high school. The one who was too nice for the jock or whatever. The cashier loves me so much he hides me in a basement. I’m his all his. I ignore the part of me that wants this because the only way I could love a man was if love was possible by force. I ignore the part that wants the girl to die. I am Belle the most. The Beast is comphet and gender dysphoria. In reality I just want him to love me. Not because I love him but because it would add a layer and make me more interesting. Maybe when I say I’m fine he wonders if I really am. He writes poems about my voice faltering or tears wading in my eyes when I’m lying. How the pooling tears are how he knows I’m lying. I’m a Tumblr post with rain, grey colours and a font only an INFJ could love. I’m tied up braless and unshowered. In sweats that say pizza on the ass. The most beautiful I’ve ever been. To him. To someone. To him.
Victoria Mbabazi is currently Canadian in Brooklyn, New York. They have two forthcoming books: The Siren in the Twelfth House (Palimpsest Press, 2024) and Death to All Darlings (Fernwood Publishing, 2025).