‘the bed was too small’ by Maritsa Grey

the bed was too small

so we replaced the old mattress.
The memory foam I bought as a student and carried home on the bus, the place I slept before 
     my home was the inside of your mouth

Now, we share a super king, a bed for adults and tall boys
things we are not but could one day learn to become

we stretch out, our fingertips barely touching, and marvel at how much we will grow

But i find i sleep worse in this bed.
I miss the sticky warmth of you our backs pressed together, our spines interlocked your hair in my nose waking with your smell on my skin our sweat mixed inseparable

I wake often in the night now,
creep my hand over to you, my fingers wriggling under your shirt, and
the heat of you soothes me back to sleep,
I will know if you grow cold, I will notice if you leave, I will keep you a little longer
            you are here, you are breathing, you are here

I wake this morning with your hand on my shoulder
           asleep you keep me rooted, too

I wake before you,
in sleep your face is soft and griefless
two nights after your father died when we were alone, together, you were safe, there was noone to be strong for, your face collapsed into a cry of such pain and you asked me where he went where did he go and I didn’t have an answer for you but I could hold you I will hold you I will hold you
I watch you wake slowly your eyes unfocused eyelids fluttering, your first waking expression
            a smile as your eyes meet mine

We roll away from bed slowly, groaning pretending we aren’t achingly grateful
I watch you dress, your naked body folding into clothes and I wonder
            how many smiles you will find today

And tomorrow I will wake in this bed that is still too big and your hand will be already on my skin and I will hold you and I will watch you wake slowly and smile at me and I will watch you dress and I will hold you and I will wake in this bed and your hand will already be on my skin and I will
and I will
          

Maritsa Grey is a queer writer. She completed her Creative Writing MA from Goldsmiths UoL in 2020, won the Phakama Young Artist Award in 2021, and currently co-runs a queer art collective, Moonbuns.